One of the key abilities of an effective leader is having difficult conversations with team members whose performance shows no improvement even after they have been given helpful feedback multiple times.
When exploring this topic and how we can acquire this much needed skill using a structured tool in a recent learning program, I was asked by one of the participants, “My team member isn’t performing well. Feedback isn’t helping. I want to take sterner steps but he is my friend. I have known him for several years. What should I do?”
A conflict between two values lies at the heart of this conundrum. Managers want to do a great job as leaders but also do not want to hurt the relationships they have with their team members. They know too that friends take liberties sometimes, can try to get away with just a little more than others. They don’t want this to happen either.
I have faced this conflict too as a manager. What helped me enormously was knowing that I was playing a role, a role I was assigned by my employer. I told myself that I had to do justice to the role, and not let personal equations muddy the waters. It is not personal, I reminded myself, at least not for me. I knew that by playing the role of a leader, I would have to:
- Adapt to different contexts to meet the need of the moment
- Project confidence and decisiveness to promote trust and stabilize morale
- Communicate effectively with the right pacing, clarity and emphasis
- Personify my organization’s values, thus ensuring alignment and a sense of shared purpose
- Empathize and understand the perspectives of my team
I am reminded of the below immortal words from the comedy ‘As You Like It’ by Shakespeare:
All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts
Most leaders will find situations like the above hard to handle, first-time leaders more so, as they would have not faced them before. They would do well to remember that leadership comes with its own set of demands and expectations. More than anything else, their team will expect that they do their job, that they stay professional in all that they do, and that they make the tough decisions without fear or favour.
Those who play this role for the first time may also experience negative self-talk such as perfectionism (“I can’t make a single mistake”), imposter syndrome (“I don’t think I belong here”), fear of judgment (“Everyone is watching me to see if I fail”), and fear of vulnerability (“If I show any uncertainty, people will think I am weak or unqualified”).
Recognizing these harmful patterns is the first step towards reframing them into constructive thoughts. New leaders can do a few other things to ease into the role of leadership: they can tell their team about their new role, what it entails and what is expected of them from their own boss. They can be open about what they need from the team as well as what they will not be doing anymore. As a first-time leader, you may want to consider keeping your team members at arm’s length as easy familiarity and camaraderie can sometimes come in the way of giving honest feedback. Setting expectations by talking to your team in plain language will let them know what is acceptable and what isn’t.
I have always held that the role of leadership requires commitment, courage, and clarity—especially when balancing friendship with professional responsibility. I believe that by setting clear expectations and staying true to your role, you can foster growth, trust, and lasting respect. What are your thoughts? I'd love to hear from you.