Over the years, I have had many occasions when I’d wanted to set others straight. It could have been when someone at work used jargon inappropriately or remembered a project detail incorrectly. While these moments are not terribly complicated and a gentle, “I don’t think that is how that word is used” or “Actually, this design document is due only next week” would have sufficed, I have learned to rein in my impulse to correct other people’s minor mistakes. While correcting others may well be well-intentioned, such acts will almost certainly be seen as rude and tactless.
And then there are those moments when you wish to correct a misapprehension since not doing so carries a cost. An example that readily comes to mind is when a client has wrongly identified your team as having made a blunder when the real culprits were her employees or a third-party company. Yet another example is when the boss gives credit for a significant achievement to the wrong person or shares personal data inadvertently with others. These moments are tricky – while you do want to set the record straight, you also do not want to embarrass the client (or boss), especially in public. These situations require tact and patience – any words you say are best said in private. And the words you choose can make a real difference.
What can make these moments disastrous is when we don’t put a leash on our emotions. In the heat of the moment, carried away by either rage or vanity, we are capable of hurting our relationships beyond repair. Witness how a young jazz guitarist speaks his mind to his girlfriend’s domineering older brother in the excellent 50s NYC noir, “Sweet smell of success”. In one of the best scenes in the film, the angry self-righteous musician berates the dastardly brother and unable to stop himself, he goes too far with his words and loses the confrontation.
What has worked for me when I have wanted to correct someone has been taking a deep breath, checking my emotional state and asking myself if I really need to do this and if I have the right intent before speaking. How have you dealt with these moments? I would love to hear from you…
Excellent, Ravi. Yes, not many would take it kindly.
Talking of movies, Little Bill holds a book in his hands and reads the title as ‘Duck of Death’. The author, Beauchamp, corrects him, ‘Duke of Death’. The arrogant Little Bill replies “Duck of Death – I says”. In the movie ‘Unforgiven’.
While in the US I was at a friend’s place and told him that I was going to the “beach” over the weekend for a swim. His 6-year old daughter who happened to be there asked me, “But, Kumar Uncle, how can you swim in the ‘beach’?? I said, “Young lady! I stand corrected”. Coming from Chennai, ‘beach’ is an all-encompassing thing for me: the waters, sand, boardwalk and even the catamarans.
Many times, Ravi. Very practical and unavoidable situations in our lives (not just on the professional side…). This is also another measure of maturity that needs to be built for success. Great article.
This article reflects a very important skill and you have brought out the importance of Intent which I feel is a key aspect, together with the ability to regulate emotions,
Nice one Ravi….how many times have we seen this happen in our training sessions!!!
Tough to practice but that’s what makes one grow!!!
Well said Ravi. Many a times, out of the impulsive reaction in pointing out other’s mistake, we forget one or all the three key aspects; our emotional state, intent and instinct (failed to listen the inner voice 🙂 ). This leads to commotion and confrontation. Is this a cultural issue too?!
Thanks, Hari. It absolutely can be a cultural issue. Check out the 200% accountability concept here (it refers to police organizations but it could easily apply to any organization).
https://breakingground.us/radical-accountability-the-key-to-changing-police-culture/
(I came to know of this website from a client)
It depends a lot upon the age and nature of the person you are facing. We are very careful in business situations but outright with colleagues. I have personally seen , when i have walked away from a situation , it is because I know much more than the person .. it is deliberate, the person is not ready to face the truth. I wonder not warning the person, did i make a mistake.
Nice article.
Do you find it easier to handle these situations over whatsapp, telegram or the like? Is it easier to check your emotional state when you’re not sharing space and time? Or is it harder because such key aspects as intonation and intent are often lost in text messages?
Alfredo,
I think it’s easier to be rude from a distance, and in the case of some social media, when you are hiding behind a pseudonym. Conversely, like you suggest, this same distance can actually make one reflect and with a pause, make a measured response.