Listen and you’ll see

In a mentoring session last year, I was paying attention to what my protégé, a manager in a large technology company, was saying. Describing how he felt during a particularly hectic day, he said, “I felt overwhelmed by the many things I had to complete by the end of day; it was like I had opened too many tabs on my browser.” I was impressed by his analogy. It was a vivid way to describe his feelings of that moment. It conjured up an image I could easily relate to. Unfortunately, as is its wont, my mind went down a rabbit hole of metaphors, similes and analogies and how they help us communicate in powerful ways. Distracted by my thoughts, I was not fully present for the next minute or two. With a conscious effort I brought my focus back to my session again.

Listening is not easy. I have learned that it does not happen automatically; it requires deliberate and conscious effort. It requires us to set us aside our own thoughts and emotions, and be fully present.

Here are a few things I do to help me listen effectively:

• I ensure that nothing will disturb me, such as phone calls. Letting others know that I am with them a 100% is my way of according them respect, and this can help them open up more.
• Starting the session with a check-in allows me to acknowledge to myself my mood and what could potentially distract me. This helps me focus my mind enormously.
• I ‘listen to understand, not to respond.’ I thus free myself from the pressure of wanting to say the right thing.
• I remind myself that I neither know nor understand the context and emotions behind what happened. By adopting this mindset, I am able to stay curious.
• I let the other person know if I find any of their words surprising, humorous, concerning, confusing even. This lets the other person know I am really paying attention.
• I confess my ignorance when I hear something new or when I do not know something. While this builds trust and credibility, it also invites the other person to open up. I ask for examples and anecdotes to help explain something, which allows me to learn more about the other person too.
• When I hear something that feels wrong, instead of silently passing judgement, I seek to understand their reasoning. This helps me learn more about the other person. It also lets the other person know in an honest and subtle way that I am listening critically, which builds trust in the other person.
• I allow silences without rushing to fill them. This often encourages the other person to open up and share more.
• I interrupt gently if the other person rambles on or goes off on a tangent. This helps me bring focus to the conversation.
• I listen best when I am rested and in good health.

If you are a leader, your ability to listen will help you in several ways. Your team members will see that their views matter. You will learn more about what they are going through and what they think. They will become less defensive and more inclined to listen to you. Your clients, similarly, will appreciate your wanting to listen and learn. With the right follow-up questions, they will tell you much more than was shared in official documents. Your relationships will become stronger. With deep listening, you will also be able to discern what is left unspoken, recognize underlying emotions, and know when someone isn’t being straight with you. Your decision making will improve as a direct result.

Here are a few questions for you to ponder:

1. What gets in the way of your ability to truly listen?
2. What is one thing you can do this week to become a better listener?
3. How often do you pause to truly listen to your team, not to reply, but to understand?
4. What might change in your team’s trust, openness, and performance if they felt genuinely heard?
5. How different would your decisions be if you listened just a little longer or deeper?

Happy listening!

p.s. The title of this blog post was once the tagline of Bowers & Wilkins, a speaker company.