“Don’t patronize me”

A few years ago, my friend called me from Mumbai out of the blue. Her first words were, “Can you talk? I am going through a rough time. My husband is between jobs and it is getting a little stressful at home.” Thanks to old habits, without a second’s delay, I asked her to send me his résumé. I wanted to see how it could be improved and if I could circulate it within my network. I also asked her if her husband could talk to me – I could ask him about his job preferences and clarify any gaps in the résumé. After a silence of a few seconds, she said, “Did I ask you to help? All I wanted was for you to listen.” I realized then that while my intentions were good and I did not mean to patronize her, my words could have been interpreted that way.

Patronizing behaviour is when you attempt to help and appear kind, but you do so with a superior attitude or in a condescending way. A good example is when you hear someone say, “Let me explain that again in simpler language.” It is almost certain that such words in a professional environment will cause offense and resentment. The tons of examples online suggest that such blatantly patronizing behaviour is rife.

As leaders we can be mindful of our behaviour and recognize that good intentions are not enough. We can try to be helpful and respectful at the same time.

Here are a few things we can avoid:

• Explaining something the other person knows already, for example, the basics of their job. This will send the message that you don’t think much of their knowledge levels or abilities. Many men have been found “mansplaining” when there was really no need. Here’s a hilarious article on mansplaining.
• Using words like “you always” or “you never”. Such sweeping words will make the other feel judged and defensive.
• Telling someone to calm down. This can make the other feel that their emotions are not valid.
• Assuming something about others, like what they think or want.
• Believing you know what is best for someone. In this case and the previous, it may not matter that you may be actually right. You run the risk of coming across as presumptuous and arrogant.
• Giving excessive or non-specific compliments like “Amazing” or “Terrific”. This can suggest to the other that you are being patronizing as well as insincere.
• Using a tone or air or even body language of superiority.

Sounding patronizing when giving feedback, one of the fundamental responsibilities of a leader, will not achieve anything. To be effective in this task, we should know if the recipient is in a mood to receive feedback. We can do this by checking in to see if the other person is in a receptive mood and if they have any distractions. We can also ask if we may provide feedback. Asking for permission to give feedback may seem absurd especially when you feel the feedback is desperately needed. This can be done with the simple words, “I’d like to give you some feedback on your work this week. Can we sit down now for a few minutes for this?” Asking the team member what challenges they faced this time and how they could do better the next time lets them know you are curious about their thought process and are willing to listen, which is a mark of respect. You can even seek feedback on your feedback by asking, “Was this feedback useful?”

It seems to me that being a little more self-aware and mindful of our tone of voice and understanding the impact our words have on others can go a long way in eliminating patronizing behaviour.

Have you seen or experienced any patronizing behaviour? I’d love to hear from you.