My first reactions on hearing that my father had passed away were disbelief and a fleeting thought that perhaps my hearing was faulty. I remember a numbing fog descending on me then and yet at the same time thinking very clearly that Madras had just become a darker place. Knowing for decades that I would lose him one day seemed to have prepared me little for that day.
Grief and mourning are natural human reactions to bereavement. Guilt (“I did not do anything to save him”) and regret (“I wish I had spent more time with him in his last days”) are common. We essentially start learning to live with the unacceptable. While this is easier said than done, the passage of time and the succour we receive from close friends and family make this possible.
These are some of the ways I tried to cope with my loss.
- I did not despair. A friend told me, “You will get through this.” Another friend said, perhaps a little bluntly, “You will be fine – what other choice do you have?”. I told myself in the following couple of days to be calm, to be patient. I knew that I would gain some perspective on my loss with time.
- I stayed connected with others. I knew that this loss was not only mine – his sister and brothers had to be informed. A few arrangements had to be made for those who would want to visit us. I spent time with my family and friends and tried to focus on what was needed for the comfort of our guests to the functions that followed. We frequently told each other that he could have easily been with us a couple of years more. While most of such words were born of wishful thinking, they kept us talking to each other.
- I celebrated his memory. We sat around trading stories of how he spoke to us, the jokes he enjoyed, how stoic he was in the face of every challenge he faced, how vastly different he was from anyone else we knew. I wrote a small essay about him that I shared with my family and friends.
- I reminded myself of my responsibilities. I knew I lived not just for myself – others needed me. I allowed myself to mourn, to face the loss, but after a few days, I told myself to get on with what needed to be done. Focusing on practical matters helped me enormously.
Slowly, we all did better. With time, I came to accept words such as, “this is as it should be” and “it is good that he did not suffer too much”. Someone said to me, “Your father was but a loan” and the words, shocking when I first heard them, eventually made sense.
This past year has brought us all a string of heart-breaking losses. Several of my friends and ex-colleagues have experienced the pain of losing a loved one to the pandemic. If you have suffered a recent loss, I urge you to be brave, both for yourself as well as for the others in your family. I would like to assure you, just like my friend did, “You will get through this.”
I choked reading this…I saw you go through excruciating pain…I went through it myself. Time seems to have healed me a lot..yet there are days!
Your words reflect the deep respect and love you had for him!
All of us are on a loan, Ravi. We play our role, carry out our duties, spread love and sooner or later our part comes to an end. The show goes on, but our part in the drama is over.
Complete acceptance of the unacceptable brings about peace. I am able to say this as I too lost my Appa, quite recently. Incidentally, today, June 28th, happens to be his birthday.
🙏🙏
True Ravi!
The second wave did wreak havoc in many of our lives in which we lost dear and near ones. Every time I heard a news of bereavement of someone close to me I reassured myself that I am not going to be drained emotionally, when there came this news that broke my heart when I heard the passing away of a very dear friend.
Reality does bite you some day but as you rightly mentioned time is the only healer!
Very well articulated and the way you coped can be a guide to all
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Ravi. It is so beautifully written and also came at the right time!
Beautiful personal thoughts Ravi. Very useful points. Thanks for sharing them.
Nothing ever prepares us for loss of a parent, no matter how old they are or how much time we spend with them. The guilt is always there – did I do enough? As you said, grief comes in many stages but acceptance is inevitable and has to be. Because life goes on even after we are no more. The pandemic has hit us hard leaving several life lessons in its wake. That while death is certain, being alive is a choice we need to take for our dear ones. Thought-provoking article, Ravi.
Nice and apt article during these tough times…..