Dealing with setbacks

Decades ago, thanks to delays in getting a US workers’ visa in Montreal and later in Madras, I showed up at the office of my employer in Pennsylvania two weeks after a Delaware client had planned to start a project. The client was not pleased and took the extreme step of cancelling the entire SOW with my employer. It did not matter that I had warned my employer of the potential for delays right at the start and kept him informed every step of the way. The PA firm wanted a head to roll and since I was the most expendable, the recruiter showed me the door with an I-really-can’t-help-you shrug.

I vividly remember even today how I felt then. As I walked to my friend’s car, I felt blindsided and anxious. Since I knew I had done nothing wrong and that the way the world works could be pretty random, I did not feel sorry for myself. I told myself that what I would need to do would come to me slowly. I determined to stay calm, to drive home safely and then figure out next steps. (Two more things happened on my way home but that is a story for another post.)

I reached home, started making calls to my friends and other recruiters. Fortunately, the times were good and within a few days, I was able to find another position that needed my skills.

This experience taught me many things:

• It is best not to react immediately to bad news. Emotions are strongest when we receive bad news and they can cloud our thinking. I acknowledged to myself the panic I was feeling. I took a few deep breaths in the parking lot to collect myself. I told myself that I would have to be calm if I was going to drive back from PA to NJ safely.
• I did something strange that morning. I stepped outside myself and observed what was happening to me. I became curious about how I was reacting and thinking. I learned quite a bit about myself. I also felt that I ought to be gentle with myself.
• I catalogued all that was true and relevant. I reminded myself that the world had not ended. I knew that the job market was not dire and that my skills were in demand. I knew that things could have been worse and this gave me some perspective.
• I did not feel anger towards the recruiter who could have done a better job of managing his client’s expectations. I told myself that he was perhaps dealing with immigrant workers’ visas for the first time and thus did not really understand the import of my frequent updates. This attitude actually helped me focus on what needed to be done without wasting any energy on what I had no control over.
• I came to understand the meaning of friendship that day. When I called the friend I was staying with to give him an update, he had only one question: Are you okay? He told me to relax and that we would figure out what to do in the evening when he came home.
• With a calm mind, I was able to figure out next steps with clarity. While I got busy with emailing out my résumé to several companies, I made a mental note to check if the recruiters I was talking to were knowledgeable and experienced.

This many years later, I can truly say that I am grateful I went through this experience. At the time it hurt like hell, but now it makes for a great story when I meet my friends. As my father told us, “distant hills are smooth” – with the passage of time, nothing remains serious. I also wish I could tell you that I have always been as calm and collected in the face of disappointment.

I have written about how we can build resilience in our teams. But can we, as leaders, build this trait within ourselves first? Setbacks and defeats are bound to happen in everyone’s life. Being able to bounce back after a bitter failure is essential if we are to carry on. I would love to hear from you on how you have handled disappointments.