There are times when we do not wish to talk to someone. It could be that the other person is highly opinionated and disagreeable, with a way of talking that condescends, slights or even dismisses. Or it could be that their words are brusque and crude. Or we may feel that they love the sound of their own voice and much to our annoyance, talk endlessly. Or the matter to be discussed and sorted out is very important to us and the high stakes are daunting. Or we suspect that decisions have already been made and any attempt to engage the other is probably pointless. And then there are those with whom we have crossed swords, and we don’t look forward to what will surely be an awkward meeting. Avoidance is a common tactic and I have done my fair share – I actually once avoided talking to someone for the silliest of reasons: he had a reedy voice!
I have come to learn that putting off conversations, especially at work, is an unhelpful tactic for several reasons. First of all, these conversations cannot be deferred forever. Secondly, this task will continue to hang over our head which can affect our mood as well as our productivity. And if we keep putting off necessary conversations at work, it will affect our credibility considerably. I have also found that while there are no guarantees in this world, making a move to engage gives us a feeling of agency, a feeling of being able to do something, anything, that can make a difference. Not doing anything can make us feel stifled and powerless.
Here are a few ways I have been able to overcome my reticence:
- I try to identify what is stopping me from engaging the other person. The mere act of labelling the feeling can help enormously in managing it. There have been times when I thought my ideas could be shot down - I just told myself to be prepared to accept the ‘no’ with professionalism.
- I listen to understand. I adopt a mindset of “I don’t know enough” and this automatically pushes me to ask questions more, listen more and understand more. Quite often, this helps me appreciate what the other is going through. I also see that many a time, their “rudeness” isn’t intentional, but rather comes from a quirky choice of words. By really listening, I also realize that they too are human, with constraints and difficulties. The ‘no’ may remain a ‘no’ but we may learn why, and this can help us build towards a possible ‘yes’ in the future.
- I focus on what I want to say. For very important meetings, I prepare an index card with key words of the salient points I want to cover. I tell them, “I have 3 (or 4 or 5) things I want to talk about.” This helps me stay on message. It also helps them understand that the conversation will be a two-way street. It turns out that people who speak endlessly are sometimes not aware they are doing so.
When I was young and inexperienced, I defined the success of my interactions by their outcomes. Now, I ask myself if I have done everything I could with care and thoroughness, with empathy and patience. Whether these interactions end in favourable outcomes is not within my control, and I have learnt to stop worrying about it. Does this post resonate with you? I would love to hear your thoughts and how you have handled challenging interactions.
Great reflection Ravi!
Excellent post, Ravi. A ‘no’ now may translate to ‘yes’ in future. Or it may not. Nevertheless, when meetings are conducted in a professional manner, in a timely manner, when all relevant topics are discussed, when we leave no loose-ends, we are building a strong foundation for a healthy relationship with clients, peers, superiors and subordinates.
I have also given feedback to them on how I felt when they reacted in a specific way after taking permission to give feedback and also stating that I am keen on having conversation with them at all times. It is worth exploring. Taking permission is key.
Introspection, Empathy, Teach.in to do Teach.ing.
Great Insights and your keen observations are notable, Ravi….yes, when it’s a one on one personal conversation, you can avoid the person.. However, if it is an important meeting and it isn’t a one on one meeting, you may have to apply the following scenarios… bring them back to the objective of that discussion, remind them you’re on a clock and/or lastly mention their point is interesting but can you take it “offline* over coffee. .. 😃
I think this is a relatable piece, since all of us come across people we hesitate to talk to, from time to time. These strategies are helpful for overcoming those situations we can’t, and shouldn’t avoid. Thank you so much!
The post resonated with a personal relationship and was very thought provoking. So well thought out and expressed. Be at it Ravi
Great topic. Yes many a time procrastinated to have a difficult conversation. I agree with all your points. I also look at the outcome I want, and then try looking from the other’s person’s view. What is in it for them? And then articulate my points so either it is a win win or look at which battles I want to fight and which to let go.
Spot on article Ravi! Very reflective and thought provoking. The post certainly resonates with me and I feel more needs to be written and discussed about these points!
Nice topic and good suggestions, Ravi.
Often, I think, an intent to reach out and not ‘settle scores’ in itself (through the body language) will set the tone for a positive outcome to the meeting.
Excellent suggestions, Ragu, Sharmini, Sangeeta and Uma. Thanks very much for contributing. Knowing that y’all are reading and engaging with my posts is reward enough. 🙂